Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
