census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
