Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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