yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!