I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
