anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
