I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
