She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
