bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
