I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
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Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
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Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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