thus making me awesome and them whores
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
