Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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