fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
