Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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