so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
