theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
