I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
