NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
