I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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