I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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