she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
