"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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