Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
