I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
