She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
