Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
