I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize