you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
