Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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