shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
