She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
two words...techno handjob
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
