You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
