$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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