Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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