I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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