There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
