Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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