its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
