Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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