Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
