he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
