My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
