PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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