my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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