I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
