the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
