Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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