Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
