i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
