Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
