I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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