Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
