did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You ate ashes out of my bong
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
