one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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