Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
