there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
