While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
